journl

Nothing new to report for the site yet-- it's all a wip. For now, it's more thoughts just being logged since i have nothing else to do at the moment. the end of last month and the first week into March, I haven't been as motivated in general, maybe because of burnout. it draws me into thinking more deeply about what's going on in my brain, and there's a couple different aspects that i have suspicions about, but nothing came to fruition when I brought them up in therapy.

Maybe because I only briefly touched upon them and only one of them lead to nothing. thankfully. It would behoove me to bring it up once again and to find more details, but one option costs money that I really don't feel motivated to spend just to say I have a disability. sure, it would lend credit to my experiences so others would understand me better, and potentially, leniency with work-related stuff. but for some reason, paying for credibility in what im saying or how i act just... seems, y'know.

Pointless.

sometimes I think maybe i just have a shit personality, and there's not an actual "diagnosis" for this. it aligns itself well with these terms, though. It's one of the two, that's all im saying. it won't help to discuss it with my friends. Before, in one of my other blog posts, I wrote about what it's like to be a loner. It's actually deeper than that, at least for me. maybe I have hopes that with a diagnosis, then forgiveness can be afforded, with friends, with life around me, with jobs and work and careers.

It's difficult to find the balance, when i've never wanted to explain myself to begin with. that leads to misunderstandings and to feelings becoming hurt though. I don't like it. I don't like any of it.

expressing myself to other people is a task that I never know what to do with. im just a coagulated mesh of my experiences and now im stuck with this shape that it morphed into. with many traumatic experiences, it makes sense that it turned out this way, and how I have to constantly figure out how to navigate through my life and my connections. And if it's a combination of that and a neurological issue that I may or may not have been born with... ah, well, I guess if I was born with it, that might make it easier to "accept", so to speak. Either way, there's really nothing I can do to change the main aspects as they are apart of my "core personality", but I *can* change small aspects, it's not completely hopeless.

My final thought about these issues is how not only is it difficult to find proper answers, it's even more of a pain in the ass because of the sex I was born with. The journey with gender identity has been a long and a strange one, for sure, but it's presently settled on aligning with femininity. Or somewhere between, or nothing at all. Don't know. Not even sure if I actually even care that much. The point is, the presentation and the marker, defines specific challenges in finding these proper answers. Because apparently, every ounce of fucking knowledge defined in these certain issues has mostly been categorized by gathering data on one gender.

Fuck the rest of us, I guess.

And both of these issues I suspect overlap, significantly, as well. what a mess. That's apart of the reason that I haven't pursued it more. At least as of now, I'm searching for a different therapist, not that the one I have now isn't good, she's adept and she did indeed help me with the specific problem I had gone to her for. The other problems require someone who has more knowledge and experience, though. Nothing wrong with it, and it'd be nice to find a therapist in my network, so I can stop paying out of pocket. :D aha ha :/ ... needless to say, it was worth it regardless.

Maybe the next update will be changes to the site lol

Still working on some new pages. theyy're not ready but maybe eventually. there's some cool websites that i find to be inspiring aesthetically but their stuff is their stuff and mine is mine. i like mine, too. gonna add some resource page at some time. and maybe reformat how the links and stuff works, which would require some gettin' down and down and down and down and down ... with javascript. i have minimal knowledge about it, and that makes it fun to work with.

college has been stressing me out these last few weeks. trying to complete everything in one week is mreh. and compared to 'classic' college, it's much different as an online-only gig. the fun part is getting new information and new knowledge about things i didn't have any for before. and the not-so-fun aspect is that i'm just doing all of it to have dumb lil words on my resume that say:

"I'M HIRABLE! LOOK! I DID THE THING!"

Ridiculous.

all for more $$$ to be comfortable. even though i;ve been hard-stuck in poverty since conception, at least this feels like the way out, anything is better than the bottom, yeah. been trying to not dwell on the difficult feelings, and i'm doing well with it, although my motivation has taken a hit, it hasn't tanked completely. cleaned my keyboard today, so the keys are less stickyy. sort of. ha mreh mreh mreh

anyways, aside from all that garbage, here's a list of games I've been playing recently:

No More Heroes 3

This has been a fantastic ride all the way, the graphics are insane, it really shows suda51's personal style and how it shines brilliantly. I still don't know how to feel about Jeane's voice but it is incredibly funny. the gameplay is super fun and engaging, anddddd i don't have a usb controller, so it's all mkb for me. hasn't affected too much yet for the early game, but the mecha combat thing is definitely something im trying to get used to using and not just spamming left click lol

Dead by Daylight

This isn't a new game for me, im one of those losers with 3k hours logged because i like to kill stuff. i'm just giving my opinion about the new chapter that released, and i like it. the killer is called the Unknown and wow, what a cutie. it's so creepy and funny looking, at first I didn't really dig the style but seeing it move and its voices, it grew on me. idk how i feel about its power, using it is nice, going against it, less nice. the new map is probably the best thing i've seen in a long while, and im talking since Midwich was released. that's my fave map and it's a fave for no others hahaha

Can't say i care too much for the new survivor, she is a goth girl. that's literally it. her voice doesn't suit her but i bet she's gonna have some mad cosmetics. i can only hope for the same for the Unknown. the chapter is good, but it won't be enough for me to play like i used to. sometimes i still play just because the killer build i've been running is Nasty

That's all Ive played recently. here's a few i intended to spend some time with soon(ish?)

Skullgirls 2nd Encore
Nitroplus Blasterz: Heroines Infinite Duel
Cookie Cutter
.hack//G.U. Last Recode
Tales of Zestiria

Theres a few others on my list but these are the ones i want to play currently, also got No More Heroes 1 and 2 because they were on sale, excited to replay both of those ^-^ idk how well they will translate to mkb though... when i tried dead space the original, it really sucked for mkb, i should just cave and get a usb controller, probably an xbox one, since i've been used to that back when i played on xbone... maybe. instead of being productive,

I want to play video games!!! ^_^;;;;;;

Last entry had some fun web resources for websites. take a gander o'er yyonder

This entry will be about my *~Feelings~*
Been getting a lot of those lately, and that's a great thing, because now i know how to allow myyself to feel the feelings and not squash them so deep into my belly that they get digested, forgotten and then excreted. therapy did wonders for me, look at me, i am functioning.

Almost correctly!!! or appropriately, to a societal standard? like that even matters.

the only "problem" that remains in the (non)"issue" in my loner behavior. i like to be alone, like, all of the time. my friends want to hang out with me and i say sure i'm cool to do that, the suggested days come about and there i go again, blowing off hanging out with anyone. i should just say no from now on and i'm going to do that. no matter how much i like talking to my friends, that's about all i want to do, is idly talk about nothing or share funny links

hanging out requires a lot of effort. i don't want my friends to think their friendships are on the level of low maintainence thereby being less impportant, they're important. the shitty part is that this only seems to apply to my friendships that are purely online. locallyy, it's easer to go and hang out, but i still don't do that much often either. the only friend i'm planning to visit soon lives out of state and that's super exciting since we haven't seen each other in sseveral years ^-^

online, there's just no desire to hang out in voice chat and do things together with other people. i'd rather do things by myself instead. i guess for me, hanging out on the internet is a very solitary activity, and i like to keep it that way. for others, they use it as a social activity. i don't think there's anything wrong with being one way or the other, but i'm still trying to find the middleground with the online friends i have.

i compromise by hanging out, sometimes. more like, rarely. once every few months (or longer, i like it to be on the longer end). typing conversations is fine, but other people enjoy that, and voice chat + activities. even playing video games is a mostly solitary activity, for me. online with strangers is fine, just being able to do it without anyone, that's truly the best. save for the one special type of person, in which i will relentlessly and happily share all levels of activity with. i can just only do that with one person at a time and right now, there is that one person

needless to say, people who have different interests and different levels of enjoyment in social activity can still be friends, of course, even great friends. most of them don't seem to mind the way i engage with them, i still do think about them. i'm just a loner. always have been. making friends has always been difficult and then maintaining them, even more difficult.

lately, specifically, i haven't felt much like talking at all. i feel mentally fine despite the evil that is raging in the world right now, but that's only becasue i have a strong mental fortitude. letting myself feel the horrible sadness about the atrocities happening right now is the best course of action, letting myself feel and then attempting the best courses of actions to contribute to solving the problems. even if it isn't much, even a little can help, no matter if nobody sees it.

that will eventually have its own body for an entry, i have a lot of thoughts about it all, and largely, i want to provide resources and information to argue my opinions and my stances. that takes effort, which i will not compile today hahaha. today is about being a loner. and how that's an okay thing to be.

Changed the site layout just a tad, the sidebar looks like it blends into the container now, and the transparent lines in the background for a lil texture. Also added a webamp that i want to dumpp all of myy fave songgs onto, as well as a status.cafe script, thhankfullyy many other websites use the same one, so it wasn't difficult to find (sharing is caring!) and same for the webamp one (TY!!!) just gonna share a bunnchh of random resources today, for funsiez. ill probably move this to a separate page in the future but for now its here

The first of my shares is for webamp, then a little bit for status.cafe and thhen some other general codes people can use for their websites if theyy want to.

webamp skins: https://skins.webamp.org/

here's the code to add it to your website, which i stole from some other website lololol luv u ty this goes wherever you want it to go on your web page or in a div or whatever. good luck ^_^;;;;;;

   < div class="webamp" > 
   < div id="drag" >
   < div id="app" style="height: 10vh" >< /div >
   < script src="https://unpkg.com/webamp" >< /script > !-- Script tag links to the Webamp library hosted on unpkg.com -- 
   < script >new Webamp({
       initialTracks: [ {url: "(link to mp3)", metaData: {artist: "(band)", title: "(song)"}},
             {url: "(link to mp3)", metaData: {artist: "(band)", title: "(song)"}},
             {url: "(link to mp3)", metaData: {artist: "(band)", title: "(song)"}},
   ],
    
       initialSkin: {
           url: 
     
        "(link to .wsz file)"
       },}).renderWhenReady(app);< /script >
   < /div >
   < /div >
   

Close the spaces around < >, of course, idk how to place it here without the page trying to run it. And here's the script to make it draggable around the page, place this above your < body > tag:

   < script >
 
   $( function () { -remove the spaces around function-
    $( "#drag" ).draggable({ handle: "div.drag" });

   });
   < /script >
   

Idk where to host mp3s, but you can upload them here to neocities if you become a supporter, and then you can create a folder to upload them to. that's the way i did it, it works. won't tell you how to pirate music, soulseek is a great alternative. support small bands and all that. you can do the same with the webamp skins, download it, create a folder for them and upload them there. the directories to the files should look like this: "(folder name)/(file name).(mp3/wsz/ect)"

                                          example: "music/in_the_end_by_linkin_park.mp3"

It was fun to update the status cafe's html box and also weird, kinda nostalgic, in a way. I had to sift through a bunch of people's profiles to piece together codes to change mine too. If anyone uses that website and you want to hide the homepage/email/subscribe to Atom link, here u go:

   < style >
   .email,
   .homepage {
           display: none;
   }

   dt {
           display: none;
   }

   [href="/users/(your user name).atom"] {
           display: none;
   }
   < /style >
   

I'm still not sure what 'dt' is for, or 'dd', i haven't bothhered to look it up either lol, typicallyyyyyyy, i just paste codess in places until I figure out what changed what. is it proper? No. Do I care? also no Not entirely sure what else i can share that might be useful, but that's a good start i think.

Goes without saying, but any codes on my website are free to use, if you wanna use em. like the picture gallery, the 'structure', or whatever is of interest. maybe don't carbon copy my entire website but yknow it's fine to use something as inspiration. at least, it's cool with me ^-^ you can view any website's codes by right-clicking and selecting "View page source", or just press ctrl+u. sometimes that can be disabled with scripts, such as disabling right-click or disabling ctrl+u

Some websites css is in a css file, which you can look at usually in the < head > tag, and it looks something like this:
< link href="/mainv1.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" media="all" >
You can click it and view the css. I like doing that for almost every website I visit, because, well.. i like to look :3

here's some stuff for hiding your codes/css if ur interested:

place these above your < head > tag to disable right-click on your webpage

   < script src="//ajax.googleapis.com/ajax/libs/jquery/1.7/jquery.min.js">< /script > 
   < script src="http://ajax.googleapis.com/ajax/libs/jquery/1.10.2/jquery.min.js">< /script >
   

place this script above your < /html > tag to disable ctrl+u and right click on your webpage

   < script >
   document.addEventListener('contextmenu', event => event.preventDefault()); !-- prevents the right-click context menu from appearing --
   < /script >
   < script >
   document.onkeydown = function(e) { !-- blocks specific keyboard shortcuts --
           if (e.ctrlKey && 
               (e.keyCode === 67 || 
                e.keyCode === 86 || 
                e.keyCode === 85 || 
                e.keyCode === 117)) {
               return false;
           } else {
               return true;
           }
   };
   $(document).keypress("u",function(e) { !-- blocks the "ctrl+u" keyboard shortcut specifically --
     if(e.ctrlKey)
     {
   return false;
   }
   else
   {
   return true;
   }
   });
   < /script >
   

Lastly, there's a way to prevent someone from dragging your images into new tabs, where they can save em. I used to use this for my art blog, so that people wouldn't reupload my art, because i didn't care to watermark my stuff. you can disable that in the < img src > tag, by using onmousedown="return false"

This is what it should look like: < img src="link to image" onmousedown="return false" >

As of now, i choose to not hide my css or prevent people from grabbing my images. and the reason why is : because i'm lazy and i only went that far to stop my art from being stolen or spread around without my permission. yknow how scummy it is that art reposters get way more attention than the og artists, well, that's how i tried to mitigate it. hopefully this can be hhelpful to other artists out there and sorry it's all in some random blog post lol

this was a lengthy entry. gonna go do something else now.

Added more little things to look at. I think it's more fun to update it regularly, and to build on top of the randomness. transferred a lot of myy old saved stuff from my first laptop to my ssd a long while back, decided to upload some of the images i'd saved from over a decade ago. there used to be a tumblr blog i liked a lot, it might be fun to try and recreate their blog theme, as another side-note

I've changed some of the main page, and I think i might change the links and layyout someday and music rotation regularly, it just depends on what i've been looping latelyy. i guess it's sort of a personal website, logging things around myy mind palace just to do it. idk if i'll update the poetry page, actuallyy, might repurpose the page into something else. maybe to add pictures i take from day to day, since I have a lot of those.

it's been a productive day despite the lack of sleep, that's probably what is giving me the motivation to do more stuff around here. Not that I don't contribute, but there's always some- thing more that I could be doing. still thinking about how to re-do this journal page, but this is fine for now.

almost teh last day of January. See ya.

February is gonna be cool, there's some local shows around V-day, so rather than buy into the hearts and candy for the corpos pockets, I thhink it's more meaningful to go to an event to share some good memories. there's something special I want to do, but I'm not sure what that entails, yet.

there's been something special happening, lately.

i'm very happy ^_^

i might tryy to log more of my thoughts than I did last year. or at least, perhaps events that have been going on latelyy. the tyypos aren't on purpose, my keyyboard is a little bit of an old bastard, so some of the keys are stickyy.

vvvI looked at getting a new one since i've been going to best buy lately to get a shit fuck ton of adapters lol. the one I wanted though... 250. woof. can't reallyy justify that right now, but eventually i'll get a new one, with quieter keys, i'd been ripping the keys off of this one just so it would be less of a nuisance.

it won't be too long until I decide to shift the layyout of my journal. i'd like the text to be justified but that's also some effort i don't care to put in at this moment, since i have been using < pre > to just freeball my text anywhhere on the page. i'm learning a lot of new things and what i really want to do eventually is have a drop down menu to toggle the color scheme for myy current layyout.

for now though, i'm more focused on python, since that's the language i'm learning about in my scripting course. so far, I'm understanding more and more about the structure of the language but some of it is a little bit difficult. it won't be forever, i -will- master the art of writing programming languages!! or something to that effect.

if onlyy to land a comfy job (like almost everyyone else that's tryying to dip their hands into the tech industryy rn) ... it's nice that at least this is something that has always been an interest for me, i just never had the means to pursue it, due to life kicking my brains into the dirt and having way less opportunities than others.

doesn't matter thoughh.

I have from now until I die and that's a prettyy long time (hopefully)

I'm getting better at communicating. it feels good to try and be open about how I feel and to communicate myyy boundaries, things that make me uncomfortable and things that make me feel comfortable.

this year has started off really well. last yyear was reallyy good too. it had its ups and its downs, but I think there was much more to smile about than not. ive repurposed myy site that i began last year, and shifted it to this one. everyything is more cohesive.

it had been about three months since I last used my pc, and the issue withh the dp wasn't as ccomplicated as it seemed. i thought the issue was that mayybe the gpu got jostled after i moved from myy old place to the new place, and before, i had the dp plugged into the mb and that worked just fine. didn't work after i moved, and it took me three months to tryy and plug it into the gpu. LOLL

it didn't work when I tried it before, but the last couple times I tried, i never bothered to turn the pc off and then change ports. I Am Very Smart.

i didn't mind not using my pc for a long while though. it made me spend more time with the people around me, and the person i care about the most.

those three months, i didn't really have the space to try and figure out the issue. my room was beingg renovated when i moved in, and it didn't get completed until last week. it feels nice to have all of myy things out of boxes now, a space that is mine, but we still share it because now we can playy video games together in the same room.

all in all, life is good lately ~